Snickers
A collection of one liners, trivia and entertaining articles from the newsletters.
(All the humor on this and all linked pages is posted for
entertainment purposes only, with no intent to infringe.)
Jun 2008
- Article: At The French Restaurant
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Article: Where Are We?
May 2008
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. …
- … Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. …
- Article: The Druggist
- … I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
Apr 2008
- A job interviewer asked me if I had any questions. I said, “Yes. If I’m driving at the speed of light and turn on my headlights, does anything happen?”
- Article: Real Headlines
- Article: Ain’t It the Truth!
- Article: Court Sets Atheist’s Holiday
Mar 2008
- Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
- Article: By All Means MARRY
- Article: The Official Language
- Drinking - I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking … Scared the life out of me. So that’s it! After today, no more reading.
- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Feb 2008
- For Sale By Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
- Article: Today’s World! (Snail Mail)
- “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” Ñ Drew Carey.
- The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.
- If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
- Article: Bank Crisis Hits Japan
- Article: Eye On… Eating Crow
Jan 2008
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- Article: Blonde - Year In Review
- Article: The Rabbit’s Thesis
Dec 2007
- Rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add ‘within the limits of the law’ because law is often but the tyrant’s will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual. — Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US president, architect and author.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in … (wait for it) … Linoleum Blownapart!
- Article: The Preacher’s Donkey
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- Sometimes I stop to think, and forget to start again.
- Article: Reindeer
Nov 2007
- Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. ÒYoung man, weÕre both 90 years old,Ó the husband said. ÒWe may not have 45 minutes.Ó They were seated immediately.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- Okie, ready for the answer? - The only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense and the offensive team can score without touching the ball É is Baseball.
- It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
- Article: Rock ’n Roll Heaven
Oct 2007
- Test Your Knowledge - Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
- Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, so we’ll never know with whom the Tells bowled.
- Article: Volunteers
- Article: Eye On… Urban Myths
- Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
- There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious”.
Sep 2007
- I’m a very simple girl. All I want is everything.
- You can’t have everything… where would you put it?
- If you find 10 degrees “a little chilly”, you might be a Pennsylvanian.
- If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
- Okie, ready for the answer? - The North American landmark constantly moving backward is … Niagara Falls. (The rim is worn down about two-and-a-half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
Aug 2007
- Test Your Knowledge - What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
- It was a (1927) 3/20 Wurlitzer Theatre Pipe Organ that died on August 3rd, 1999. That’s the day a fire destroyed the Pizza & Pipes Restaurant in University Place.
- Article: Genius Is Mysterious
- Article: Tech Office Humor
Jul 2007
- Okie, ready for the answer? - Three English words beginning with “dw” are … Dwarf, Dwell, and Dwindle. (Hey, they forgot about Dweeb!)
- Does anyone remember what (not who) died on Tuesday, August 3rd, 1999?
- Article: Camping
- Article: Girls’ Night Out
Jun 2007
- Article: Read This
- Test Your Knowledge - Only three words in Standard English begin with the letters “dw” and they are all common words. Name two of them.
May 2007
- An English Mistranslation in an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
- Those who live by the sword… get shot by those who don’t.
Apr 2007
- If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you might be a Pennsylvanian.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- She’s always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the “June Flower”.
- Article: Pennsylvanians
Mar 2007
- Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- Driver Education
As an instructor in driver education at the local area high school, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
- One employee asked another, “How long have you been working here?” The second said, “Ever since the boss threatened to fire me!”
Feb 2007
- When you rearrange the letters in “DORMITORY”, you get “DIRTY ROOM”.
- A guy walked into a bar in West Virginia and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, “You ain’t from ‘round here are ya?” “No”, replies the man, “I’m from Pennsylvania”. The bartender looks at him and says, “Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?” “I’m a taxidermist”, said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, “What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?” The man says, “I mount animals”. The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar… “ItÕs okay boys, he’s one of us!”
- Article: Being Irish (British Version)
Jan 2007
- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft … Today, it’s called golf.
- Article: Police Comments
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
- Article: After Christmas
Dec 2006
- Article: Summary of My Year On the Computer
- Article: Computer Troubles
- If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
- Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, “Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.”
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, “Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges.”
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, “Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both admirals.
- News Flash! - Kentucky’s worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two university students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
- The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. “You ‘ave been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
“Zen, you should know enough to ‘ave your passport ready for inspection.” The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
“Impossible. You Americans alwayz ‘ave to show your passports on arrival in France!” The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in ‘1944, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”
Nov 2006
- The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason — T S Elliott, 1935
- The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
- TECH SUPPORT: “O.K., let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
CUSTOMER: “I don’t have a ‘P’”.
TECH SUPPORT: “On your keyboard.”
CUSTOMER: “What do you mean?”
TECH SUPPORT: “‘P’ on your keyboard.”
CUSTOMER: “I’m not going to do that!”
- Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
Oct 2006
- A crash reduces — your expensive computer — to a simple stone.
- FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
- FREE PUPPIES… Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog… able to leap tall fences in a single bound
- Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
- Article: What Language To Speak
Sep 2006
- Thought for the Day … If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking.
- Duct tape is like ’The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- What’s the difference between husbands and prisoners? Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.
- All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Aug 2006
- In my next life, IÕm going to have more memory installed.
- Hand over the chocolate and no one will get hurt!
Jul 2006
- I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still…
- … have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
Jun 2006
- Sign seen in the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
- You know when people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I wanted to say, “No, it’s for company!”
May 2006
- FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
- Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day. — Mickey Rooney
- Article: An Alternative Retirement Home
- I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So, which six items would you like to buy?” Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?!
Apr 2006
- Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
- Bird Flu… The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: high fever, congestion, nausea, fatigue, aching in the joints or an irresistible urge to crap on someone’s windshield.
- If you don’t make mistakes - you work too little.
- It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
- Computer Problems: A Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “Send” key.
- Article: Definitions
Mar 2006
- Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- A customer couldnÕt get on the internet. — Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? — Customer: Yes IÕm sure. I saw my colleague do it. — Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? — Customer: Five stars.
Feb 2006
- Computer Problems: An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse…
- When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?
- “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.” — Jeff Foxworthy
Jan 2006
- Article: 2005 Darwin Awards
- Rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add ‘within the limits of the law’ because law is often but the tyrant’s will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual.
Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), 3rd US president, architect and author.
Dec 2005
- Thought For the Day — You read about all these Terrorists. Most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, …
- … some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you’re two days late with a video and those people are all over you. …
- … I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration.
Nov 2005
- Getting old is soooo hard at times. — Yesterday I got Preparation ‘H’ mixed up with Poli-Grip. Now, I walk funny, but - my gums don’t itch!
- Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
- Computer Tip: If your computer tips, you need to prop up the other side!
- Snapdragons — I just wanted you to know I have entered the snapdragon part of my life. — Part of me has snapped… And the rest of me is draggin’! — Send this to all the Snapdragons you know! — Louise Warren
- Article: Holiday Shopping Rules
- Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it.
Oct 2005
- Ad Slogan seen on a Plumbing Truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
- Computer Problems: AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
- You know you’re over the hill if… Your car must have four doors.
- Article: The Real World
Sep 2005
- Article: An e-mail from God
- Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
- Article: Abbott & Costello, Revisited
- Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
- Article: The Year 1905
Aug 2005
- The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
- Article: Why Computers Sometimes Crash!
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Jul 2005
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.
- There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”; tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
- The 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
Jun 2005
- A Day in the Life of the “Help Desk”
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh…? Pardon, I don‘t understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
- I’ve learned… That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
- Sign seen on a Taxidermist’s window: — “We really know our stuff.”
- A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, “Got any I.D.?” and the driver replies “Bout wut?”
May 2005
- Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
- Article: Expensive?
- The Web site you seek — cannot be located, but — countless more exist.
- Stay the patient course. — Of little worth is your ire. — The network is down.
- Give someone a fish and you feed them for a day; teach someone to use the Internet and they wonÕt bother you for weeks.
Apr 2005
- Once privacy is gone, there’s no snatching it back. And in cyberspace, everyone is naked. Just ask Paris Hilton.
- What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw ” in West Virginia?
- Documentaries.
- Article: Male or Female?
Mar 2005
- Customer: I have problems printing in red… — Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? — Customer: Aaaah… thank you.
- A Labor Leader is someone who teaches a Lamaze Class.
- Wine for Seniors - Napa Valley vintners who are famous for their Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio, have come up with a hybrid grape thatÕs anti-diuretic. By reducing the nighttime trips to the bathroom for the elderly, its wine will be marketed as Pinot More.
Feb 2005
- When you rearrange the letters in “A DECIMAL POINT”, you get “IM A DOT IN PLACE”.
- Article: Redneck Medical Terms
- Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
- This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. (Elmer Davis)
- Article: A Soldiers Grass
Jan 2005
- Article: Have Yourself a Microsoft Christmas
- I told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate.
- How many doors does a chicken coop have? …
- Why is it they put pictures of criminals in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? — Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps, so the carriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?
- Article: Seniors
- … Two. Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
- Article: Happily Addicted To the Web
- Article: The Bill Gates Song
Dec 2004
- Article: Surviving Our Youth…
- Article: How To Start Your Day
Nov 2004
- Why is it you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- Article: The Donkey
- Article: Today
Oct 2004
- You know you’re over the hill if… you think a CD is a certificate of deposit.
- Thought of the Day… One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
- Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!”
- Article: Groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
- Sign seen on the Maternity Room Door: “Push, Push, Push.”
- Article: The Good Old Days
- Article: We Moved…
(More Snickers on page 2)
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